Learning to Listen
On occasions, people have thanked me for “listening.” I have also had someone say to me, “Are you listening to me?” What is it that I do that makes people think that I am genuinely listening? What is it that I do that makes some feel that I am not listening? How can we develop listening skills? Here are a few suggestions.
Attitude Listening begins with a loving attitude. It is the attitude of, “I care about you and I am genuinely interested in what you have to say.”
Body Language Experts contend that most of communication is body language. When listening, you are not speaking, but your body is sending signals and speaking more loudly than you might be aware. The body definitely has a language that communicates. Make sure that your body is sending the message you want to convey.
Some body posture sends a negative message, for example, crossing your arms. Sitting behind a desk, conveys a power position and less personal warmth.
In order to communicate a caring attitude with your body, focus on the one speaking. Eye contact is critical. Look the speaker in the eye. There are times when, what really communicates is learning forward.
On many occasions, when people have come to see me as a pastor, I have removed my tie as a symbol of wanting to relate as a person and not just in the formal role of a pastor.
Talking Listening involves speaking! What the listener says lets the speaker know that he or she was actually being heard.
Ask questions. After hearing someone speak, one of the first things you need to do is ask questions. Avoid “shut down” questions,” such as, “Were you really that mad?” Ask “open up” questions, such as, “What happened when you said that? You might even ask, “You seem to be saying _____. Am I hearing you correctly?
Practice appropriate and limited self-disclosure. Nothing communicates like self-disclosure. Nothing communicates that you have heard, that you care, and that you identify like self-disclosure. Just make sure that it is appropriate. Disclosure about you that demands disclosure about others is an example of inappropriate disclosure. Also, in most situations, it needs to be limited. Reveal enough detail to let the other person know that you understand without dumping all the details. This is about listening to them, not about them listening to you.
When you practice appropriate self-disclosure, you are more like a tour guide than a travel agent.
Hurting people want to be heard (Ps. 27:7). Listening is God-like (Ps. 17:6). Let’s be Godly. Let’s listen.
© G. Michael Cocoris, 4/29/2003
Attitude Listening begins with a loving attitude. It is the attitude of, “I care about you and I am genuinely interested in what you have to say.”
Body Language Experts contend that most of communication is body language. When listening, you are not speaking, but your body is sending signals and speaking more loudly than you might be aware. The body definitely has a language that communicates. Make sure that your body is sending the message you want to convey.
Some body posture sends a negative message, for example, crossing your arms. Sitting behind a desk, conveys a power position and less personal warmth.
In order to communicate a caring attitude with your body, focus on the one speaking. Eye contact is critical. Look the speaker in the eye. There are times when, what really communicates is learning forward.
On many occasions, when people have come to see me as a pastor, I have removed my tie as a symbol of wanting to relate as a person and not just in the formal role of a pastor.
Talking Listening involves speaking! What the listener says lets the speaker know that he or she was actually being heard.
Ask questions. After hearing someone speak, one of the first things you need to do is ask questions. Avoid “shut down” questions,” such as, “Were you really that mad?” Ask “open up” questions, such as, “What happened when you said that? You might even ask, “You seem to be saying _____. Am I hearing you correctly?
Practice appropriate and limited self-disclosure. Nothing communicates like self-disclosure. Nothing communicates that you have heard, that you care, and that you identify like self-disclosure. Just make sure that it is appropriate. Disclosure about you that demands disclosure about others is an example of inappropriate disclosure. Also, in most situations, it needs to be limited. Reveal enough detail to let the other person know that you understand without dumping all the details. This is about listening to them, not about them listening to you.
When you practice appropriate self-disclosure, you are more like a tour guide than a travel agent.
Hurting people want to be heard (Ps. 27:7). Listening is God-like (Ps. 17:6). Let’s be Godly. Let’s listen.
© G. Michael Cocoris, 4/29/2003