The Anatomy of an Affair
In order for there to be an affair, there must be a push and a pull. The push is from within the marriage; the pull is an attraction from outside the marriage. If there is a push, but no pull, or a pull, but no push, an affair is not likely. When, however, there is something pushing the married partners away from each other and a third party attracts one of them, the married person is vulnerable.
To be more specific, the martial connection is volitional, mental, physical, and emotional. Married people share choices, intellectual ideas, and sex. The deepest level of connection, however, is emotional. Married people should be able to express their deepest emotions on any subject with their mate and feel they are being heard.
Many marriages lack emotional intimacy. In some cases, one or both never learned to express emotion. Or, one tries and the other gets defensive or attempts to “fix it.” When there is no emotional connection, differences are not dealt with properly. The simplest decision becomes divisive. Anger, resentment, and open hostility quickly follow.
If there is no emotional connection, married people do not feel connected. When they do not feel connected to each other, a push is present. It may be only a slight nudge or it may develop into a shove. They feel disconnected, alienated, “pushed” away.
The pull is an attraction to another person. The attraction maybe physical (“Wow! Is she ever good looking.”) or intellectual (“Working together, we discovered that we think alike.”). At this point, it could get physical, but the real danger is when they begin to share their emotions with each other and feel that they “understand” and are being “understood,” which is something missing in their marriage. Every thing else is like a pile of dry timber. The emotional element is the spark that sets it ablaze.
Once the physical affair has begun, it is extremely difficult to repair the damage. In order to do so the issues that must be dealt with are 1) the guilty persons feelings for the third party, 2) the guilty person’s feelings for his or her mate, 3) the “innocent” person’s feelings and willingness to forgive and continue with the marriage, and 4) the emotional connection between the married couple. The situation is so serious that Jesus said it was grounds for divorce (Mt. 19:9).
What about prevention? First, stay in touch with the Lord. The believer who has an affair is not walking in the Spirit, because those who walk in the Spirit do not fulfill the lust of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). Even when there is a push and a pull, if the tempted person is rightly related to the Lord, the temptation can be overcome (1 Cor. 10:13). Second, stay emotionally and sexually connected with your mate (1 Cor. 7:1-5). Third, guard your heart. Out of it “spring the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23). Share the deepest feelings of your heart with your mate.
© G. Michael Cocoris, 3/15/2002
To be more specific, the martial connection is volitional, mental, physical, and emotional. Married people share choices, intellectual ideas, and sex. The deepest level of connection, however, is emotional. Married people should be able to express their deepest emotions on any subject with their mate and feel they are being heard.
Many marriages lack emotional intimacy. In some cases, one or both never learned to express emotion. Or, one tries and the other gets defensive or attempts to “fix it.” When there is no emotional connection, differences are not dealt with properly. The simplest decision becomes divisive. Anger, resentment, and open hostility quickly follow.
If there is no emotional connection, married people do not feel connected. When they do not feel connected to each other, a push is present. It may be only a slight nudge or it may develop into a shove. They feel disconnected, alienated, “pushed” away.
The pull is an attraction to another person. The attraction maybe physical (“Wow! Is she ever good looking.”) or intellectual (“Working together, we discovered that we think alike.”). At this point, it could get physical, but the real danger is when they begin to share their emotions with each other and feel that they “understand” and are being “understood,” which is something missing in their marriage. Every thing else is like a pile of dry timber. The emotional element is the spark that sets it ablaze.
Once the physical affair has begun, it is extremely difficult to repair the damage. In order to do so the issues that must be dealt with are 1) the guilty persons feelings for the third party, 2) the guilty person’s feelings for his or her mate, 3) the “innocent” person’s feelings and willingness to forgive and continue with the marriage, and 4) the emotional connection between the married couple. The situation is so serious that Jesus said it was grounds for divorce (Mt. 19:9).
What about prevention? First, stay in touch with the Lord. The believer who has an affair is not walking in the Spirit, because those who walk in the Spirit do not fulfill the lust of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). Even when there is a push and a pull, if the tempted person is rightly related to the Lord, the temptation can be overcome (1 Cor. 10:13). Second, stay emotionally and sexually connected with your mate (1 Cor. 7:1-5). Third, guard your heart. Out of it “spring the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23). Share the deepest feelings of your heart with your mate.
© G. Michael Cocoris, 3/15/2002