Give Me a Problem
To put it mildly, things were not been going well for her at work. Eve (not her real name) had about had it with her job. So one day she decided to quit her job and find a new one. For a number of reasons, that was a radical decision. At any rate, she decided to quit her job. So, she called her husband and without any explanation said, “I am going to quit my job and go to work for another company.” Later that day, she talked to me. Without any introduction or small talk, she announced that she was quitting her job. Knowing how that would impact her husband, her family, and even her, I wasn’t just surprised, I was stunned. She and I talked through the complexities of the situation. Later when her husband joined us, the three of us mapped out a plan for addressing the situation. This particular situation did not provoke a crisis, but I have seen this very kind of thing get very volatile, very quickly. As I thought about this episode with this couple, it occurred to me that what happened in this situation is what often happens in marriages and board meetings that cause problems that could so easily be avoided. Let me explain. Because of several legitimate problems, this wife reached a conclusion. Then she announced that conclusion to her husband along with a number of reasons why she should change jobs. Some of her reasons were sound and others sounded like the emotion of the moment. The way she handled this situation left no room for her husband, or anyone else, to think about the best possible solutions to some difficult problems or to reason with her about her conclusion. She had reached her conclusion and announced it for everyone in her life to accept. Needless to say that kind of an approach does not nurture relationships; it creates a crisis that divides and does not unite people to each other.
Later I suggested that she should alter her approach. My suggestion was that she: 1) Present the problem(s). 2) Offer options. 3) Then, argue for her alternative. In other words, began with the problem, not the solution.
Will following such a simple formula solve all the problems that come up between couples and in board meetings? Of course not. What it will do is prevent other people from becoming adversarial. It will allow for reasonable discussion. It will also allow for others to have input, before a conclusion is reached.
© G. Michael Cocoris, 10/27/2003
Later I suggested that she should alter her approach. My suggestion was that she: 1) Present the problem(s). 2) Offer options. 3) Then, argue for her alternative. In other words, began with the problem, not the solution.
Will following such a simple formula solve all the problems that come up between couples and in board meetings? Of course not. What it will do is prevent other people from becoming adversarial. It will allow for reasonable discussion. It will also allow for others to have input, before a conclusion is reached.
© G. Michael Cocoris, 10/27/2003
